HomeNeuro Linguistic Programming (NLP)What’s your Love Strategy?

Love strategy…is it possible that we all have a strategy for getting love?

Are there things that we do, or say that we believe are going to get us the love we want?

Are there things that others say or do that somehow we interpret to mean they love us?

Is it different for everyone?


Last year during NLP training, Joseph and I were having a chat…

Actually if I remember correctly I was sharing with him some personal heartache.

Although the exact details of our conversation elude me just now, I am quite clear at the point when Joseph asked me simply

“How do you know when someone loves you?”

There was no hesitation on my part “Well they show me”

“How do they show you?” He asked

“Well mostly they do things for me without me having to ask. They don’t have to be big things, but they do things nonetheless. Sometimes they just have to offer, but offering to do things and doing things that I don’t expect is how I know that people love me.”

Aha! my “love” strategy…

It turns out that when I love someone and want to show them that I love them I do things for them. I cook for them, I clean for them all kinds of things.

love strategy gift

Sometimes I buy them food or gifts…I just do stuff

Turns out for Joseph, he could care less if people do things or offer to do things for him. His love strategy is….well that’s actually not for me to share lol!

Ok, I’ll tell you. For Joseph, he needs to hear it! That’s right good old fashion “tell me you love me, baby!”

Wouldn’t it be just amazing if you could figure out exactly what it is that people need for them to feel loved?

Wouldn’t it be amazing for you to know what you need to feel loved?

Not many people have given much thought as to how they know others love them, perhaps even more importantly when was the last time you thought about what you need to feel truly loved.

Whether you are aware of it or not, you need to be shown love in a certain way.

You have a strategy that gets you love, as a matter of fact you have a strategy that gets you up in the morning out of bed, a strategy for making decisions and on and on.

For the most part our strategies are invisible to us…

And there are times therefore that we feel unloved or somehow have failed to show to the one we love that we love them. “You don’t love me anymore?”

Just take a moment and begin to imagine what it might be like if you could actually recognize the exact way, possibly even the words your loved ones needed to hear, that would help them to feel fulfilled and to feel better.

I have seen men running around buying flowers, chocolates, jewelry, you name it, showering their loved one with gifts all in vain.

I’ve heard women tell me straight up “oh yeah he buys me stuff all the time he thinks he can buy my love, but never once has he ___________.”

What I love most about having NLP training is there is absolutely no guess work.

I don’t have to figure it out because the answers are alwaysright there in the person that’s having the problem. They tell you everything that’s going on inside them and what they need to feel better.

It’s not always instant but especially for those like myself and Joseph that have taken the training in NLP, it’s super fast.

love strategy flow chart

Most of the time we can get through our own stuff all on our own…

And for the times we can’t usually just a few reframes and a well-placed question does the trick. Again the reframing and questions aren’t guess work, once you’ve learned NLP you’ll know which questions to ask and how to reframe.

That particular day I was feeling really bad, unloved and unappreciated.

Joseph asked me some questions which clearly brought to light how I perceive that someone is loving me and then asked quite simply:

“Is it possible that they do love you even though they don’t do those things? “

“Is it possible that the way they show love is different than how you do?”

With that I was free to allow myself to look at other things that have happened between myself and “them” and recognize that it was possible that they did love me, but they showed it in different ways.

If it was important for me to be “shown” love then I needed to tell them that because frankly it’s highly possible they had never considered that’s what I needed.

It was possible like Joseph, a simple “I love you” does the trick for them.

What’s your love strategy again?

4 thoughts on “What’s your Love Strategy?

margaret godson12 years ago,

Hi Jackey
Look forward to meeting you on Thursday. I have read about the different love types. Basically Iam a giver and I need to hear it.
I really need the words, its amazing how we do cartwheels to try to get what we want at times, so we can have it in our own way, but I
know that is driven by a whole series of issues. My problem right now is that I don’t know what I truly want at this point in my life.
I am very interested in learning how to move towards replacing old
( not usefull behaviors and belief) with new ones that will serve
me better in the future.
Look forwards to you talk.
Margaret Godson


Jackey12 years ago,

Hi Margaret
I also look forward to meeting you. I hear you loud and clear, it’s not a nice place to be, but the good news is it’s temporarily – Yahoo! Be certain to introduce yourself to me on Thursday and we’ll have a brief chat after the session. Until then be well. Oh yes p.s. thanks for spelling my name right…that’s so refreshing!


Adrian7 years ago,

This is great Jackey!

This is great to be aware of especially when things are going right…it is great to be aware of what is working for me and for her (in my case).

I understand that relationships at times are great and sometimes they need a bit of work. Knowing this can help very much. Both in understanding myself and understanding my partner’s love strategy.

Big help 🙂


Jackey Backman7 years ago,

Great feedback Adrian. Of course understanding other’s strategies is a vital component in healthy relationships. Recognizing our own is as well. Often times others do not have the skills to recognize “what we need” and when we do, and can tell them, it makes life just that much easier.
Peace to your heart and good loving to you and yours!


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